Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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