Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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