yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
