ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
