Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
