I didn't shave. On purpose
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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