I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
