Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
A+ Viking dick
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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