Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So much rum. So many feels.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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