my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
