They should really pass out barf bags in church
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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