i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
