I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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