i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
