you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Randomize
