i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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