Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
