I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
