i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
my nose is crying tears of wow.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
