I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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