I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
