You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
