The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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