I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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