I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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