All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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