oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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