I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
