Got a toothbrush?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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