He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
