Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
