youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
