just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
