I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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