You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
