Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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