My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
