My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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