me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
