You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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