margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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