Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
