thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
