I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
