GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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