thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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