OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
