Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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