I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
