After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
