i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
