tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
