We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
