i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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