He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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