I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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