onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
