I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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