girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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