The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize