9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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