I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
