Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
