I can text with my tongue
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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