my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
